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Starting Fresh and Having the Right View
“In adult parent-child relationships, there are at least four people there. There’s who you actually are. There’s who the other actually is. Then there’s who you believe the other is and who the other believes you are. Sometimes the real people are not even there. It’s just the other two arguing with each other.” — Gabor Maté
Recently I watched this workshop by Gabor Maté and his son. It was a beautiful process to watch, and I gained further insights about rebuilding relationships with parents as adults and understanding the dynamics at play.
It helped me understand why that moment of vulnerability shown by my dad was so profound to me, and to allow the messiness and beauty of dancing between all the uncertainty and possibilities of connection, intimacy, and growth on both ends.
I’m no stranger to this work having dealt with issues in therapy and explored them in writing myself. But the deep longing for something more and the hovering bitterness never subsides in me. Perhaps it’s the jarring comparison of my husband’s close ties with his parents and the distance I have with mine.
Perhaps I wasn’t ready for deeper work. But this workshop popped up at the right time. As I watched the stories unfold and how the parent and child confess their true feelings from each side, I saw myself in them and my heart softened, knowing that this is a continuous journey and it will never end. All we can do is create openings to invite in more truth, compassion and connection.
It reminded me of how blessed I am to have witnessed the growth of my parents in this lifetime. My dad wasn’t around too much when I was growing up, but as he got older and reflected on his role as a dad, he really took responsibility and admitted to his shortcomings. He became an active part of my life, and it is an ongoing process.
He’s learning, and I’m learning. And we are learning. We are imperfect humans all learning to be better selves at the end of the day. And what we may perceive on one end is never entirely true till confronted. If we want to, we can argue for our bitter victim stories all day, but if we meet these challenges and raw feelings with fresh eyes, willingness, and understanding, so…
